


She's Not Me

by spireghost



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Gen, Hawtherford, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2018-12-23 16:06:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11993217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spireghost/pseuds/spireghost
Summary: Hawke leaves Kirkwall to help her friends, leaving her love behind.Four years later she goes to see Cullen in Skyhold, only to find he's now with Inquisitor Lavellan.





	1. Chapter 1

“So.. did you leave anyone behind in Kirkwall?”

“Ah. No, I didn't.”

No, actually. She left him. But the Inquisitor didn't need to know that.

 

~

“I'll come back, Cullen. I promise.” Marian had smiled at him and winked as she usually did. A quirk he always loved. “Somebody has to keep you in line.”

And where is she now? Probably ran off with that– that mage, the young knight-captain thought. He ran a hand through his curls, the knot in his stomach telling him Marian wasn't coming back. Not for him, anyhow. And so he lived his life without her.

Let’s fast forward to the Conclave. The breach torn wide open. Anyone and everyone frantically running far as possible from the demons. Cullen called out orders to his templar brothers; help the people, form a wall between the demons and citizens. Templars and mage worked together for a time. It was a sight to see in the mess of things. Though it didn't last long, as a couple younger mages succumbed to the demons out of fear. They were cut down with regret— pity, even.

It felt like the panic in Kirkwall all over again.

~

 

When Cullen saw the Herald for the first time, he would admit that he was shocked to see she was an elf. The Herald of Andraste, a Dalish elf. From then he understood, she'd put quite a mark on history. They first met in the war room, a formal introduction and objectives were discussed. Later that day the Herald approached him on the training grounds. She smiled and introduced herself more casually. Riwen. A beautiful name, he thought. They talked about the breach; she mentioned how uneasy it and the mark made her, how unusual it was for these humans calling her the Herald of Andraste. It made him feel trusted that she opened up to him after only just meeting.

“I wouldn't know what to do in your situation, Herald— ah, Riwen. I'd say you're holding up rather well.”

“As my Keepers First, I'm used to being under pressure.” Riwen exhaled a small laugh, slightly amused at the situation. “All I was meant to do is keep an eye on how the Conclave transpired. Now look at me.”

“I admire you— how you're handling this, anyhow.” He corrected himself quickly, turning his head to look back out over his recruits. Oh, Rutherford good save. Hopefully she didn't catch it. Oh. She did. Riwen was smiling, her eyes darted to the side when he finally looked back at her.

“I should be going,” She did sound happier than when they first started talking. “I look forward to working with you, Commander.”

“And I you.” He nodded, resting his hands on the pommel of his sword.

Oh, he was in for it.

~

 

Marian grinned as she crested the hill overlooking Skyhold. Out of breath and tired, it was a good sight to see. The mage huffed, her breath visible in the cool air. She was finally going to see Varric again. But not only Varric, she could finally see Cullen again. Though her visit wasn't exactly for the _best_ terms, she couldn't help but feel excited; giddy, even. It’d been years.

Friendly greetings and hugs were exchanged with Varric. Teasing, of course. An explanation of what he’d wrote to her about and why they needed her help. She learned they'd only been in Skyhold for little over three weeks. The situation wasn't improving, not other than refugees being assisted and rifts closing throughout the land. All thanks to their Inquisitor.

They talked about Corypheus. She felt uneasy. Marian _killed_ him. They struck him down and he died. Boom, fireball to the face. But, no. He's very alive, Hawke, and has a dragon. Why can't _she_ have one. Not the point. There's more business to attend to.

“I’ll see you at the bar later, Varric. I have some things I need to take care of.” And with that she was off, wandering through the large fortress. Marian heard whispers as she meandered around the grounds; of the Champion, the mage who was with Anders, the blood mage who saved Kirkwall. Occasionally the mage would wink at a bystander who gazed at her, mouth agape. The attention was greatly missed. She eventually found her way up on the battlements from the main hall. According to a passing soldier the Commander's office was just ahead.

She knocked. No answer. Hm.. Marian let herself into the room. A desk. A bookshelf. Quite a small office. At least it had a nice view out the window. The mage found herself at his bookshelf, running her fingers along the spines until she reached a decorative box atop a stack. She reached for it, slightly cracking the lid open. A faint glow of blue was all she needed to see. Marian sighed and let it drop closed. That was when the door opposite of her opened. Two voices. A woman and one she fondly recognized. Showtime.

~

 

When Cullen saw the figure at his bookcase, he tensed up, recognizing the armor and jet black hair. The woman turned to him, with a smug grin on her face. He expected nothing less from her.  

“I have to say, Cullen. The years have been _very_ kind to you.”

“Marian.. What are you doing here? Uh-” He paused, figuring he should introduce the two, seeing as how Riwen looked confused as to why this woman was giving her boyfriend such a risqué look. “Inquisitor, this is Marian Hawke. We were colleagues back in Kirkwall.”

Marian scoffs. “Colleagues, huh? Is that all?”

It’s then Riwen pipes up over the two, sensing the tension, “ _The_ Champion, Marian? It’s very nice to meet you. Varric’s told me a lot about you.”

A reaction Marian was used to, and she gave a small bow toward the elf. “ _The_ one _and_ only. I do hope it was all good things. Don’t tell me he told you about the Darktown mishap..”

Cullen rolled his eyes. He could see Hawke’s ego fueled for the next few days.

“Can we talk later Marian, It’s not a good time.”

“Not a good time? I just got here and you’re going to shoo me away? Even after all we’ve been through—” And she proceeded to wink and wiggle her shoulders sensually. To which the Commander could merely hope his cheeks didn't flush with his sigh.

“What? You don’t want a little taste of old times?” She continued to tease him, hoping she’d embarrass him in front of the Inquisitor.

“Marian.” He looks uncomfortable, eyes moving to look at the elf and back to her. “You were gone for a long time.”

Riwen shifted uncomfortably beside Cullen, stepping closer to wrap her arm around his. And that’s when she catches on.

“No…” Hawke looks back and forth between Riwen and Cullen. Her expression a mix between disbelief and amusement. “You two?” She scoffs a laugh. “I promised, you know?”

“Marian, it’d been four years after Kirkwall. You didn’t write me once.”

“I was preoccupied with making sure that my friends and I weren’t going to be caught by the Chantry. Sorry that I didn’t take a moment to send you a thoughtful love letter.” She scowls. “I don’t have the same luxuries you do, _Knight-Commander_.”

Cullen’s brow furrowed at the acidity she used on his former title. He was about to question her further when Riwen interrupts the two of them, uncomfortable with the tension now growing in the room. “I hate to interrupt this lover's spat, but we do have important things to attend to..”

“The Inquisitor’s right, Hawke.” Cullen does feel bad. As reasonable as her reasons we, it still made him upset. “We’ll talk about this later.”

“Fine.” Marian nods at the Inquisitor as a polite goodbye and she heads toward the door. “I’ll be in the bar if you need me.” And with that she’s gone, leaving the two in an uncomfortable position.


	2. Heartbeat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A song to enjoy before or after reading.  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/7BKyyhtqhAqulYZBmI2KL6

Marian spent a fair amount of her afternoon talking with Varric. Mostly discussing what she had been doing away from Kirkwall. The more lengthy, secretive details she didn’t want to write to him, anyhow. Her priority had been on protecting Merrill and Anders, despite the odds they were at, until she knew Justinia wasn’t sending an exalted march their way. Even so, it was just time to leave Kirkwall since the blight had ended. Only Gamlen was left for her there. She reluctantly gave the estate to him-- on the condition he promised not to lose it this time. It was more a threat that he better not lose it, if she were to come back home.

Once the sun had set and Varric left the bar for the night, Marian found herself drinking alone. She enjoyed the ambience of the bar for a while. It reminded her of The Hanged Man, but perhaps less foul stenched. Her reminiscing was sadly interrupted, however, by a young Inquisition recruit.  

The mage sighed into her drink and acknowledged them. “The Commander wishes to see you in his office, if possible. He also said that I’m to assist you if you’re.. overly intoxicated.” They seemed to pose the statement as a question, clearly unfamiliar with her reputation.

Marian snorted, rolling her eyes. “I’m not a drunken fool just yet. I’ll find my way there eventually.”

The recruit nodded, saluted, and walked off to report in. She sat until she finished her drink and decided to mosey on up to Cullen’s office. Not without purchasing an entire bottle of alcohol to keep her company on the way. This time she didn’t bother knocking and let herself in, the bottle near half empty from this short journey. Marian could right away tell that he had busied himself with paperwork for the entire time she was off drinking. The stack of papers was about a mile high and as he added another to the stack, he looked up to address her, “Marian, just who I needed.”

Something in her head was telling her, ‘Don’t be a bitch. Don’t do it. Now isn’t the time, Hawke.’

Another angered part of her said otherwise. Was it even her?

“Is that right? Because to me it seemed like you had _everything_ you needed earlier today.”

He scowled at her for that comment. “Marian, I understand why you’re upset with me, but the attitude we could do without. I don’t want to point fingers, but you’re the one who left and never came back.”

“And you know what? I didn’t get together with someone else in that time.” She mumbled, taking a sip from the bottle. Carelessly she crossed her arms, spilling a small puddle onto the floor. Cullen didn’t look happy about the mess she made, along with the trouble she was already causing.

“Hawke. Please, I don’t have time to play this, this-” He struggled to find the right name for this travesty, “- blaming game. It’s completely absurd and you know it.”

Maybe it was. But she was now drunk and ready to play. As childish as it was, the better portion, which is a very small amount, of her conscience had gone out the door when she started drinking in the early afternoon. The other part was upset and angry.

“Fine, I’ll just leave then,” She shrugged and started back for the door. As expected, Cullen stood and walked after her.

“Marian, please.” And so she stopped, looking over her shoulder at him.

“Yes?” Her tone made it very clear she wasn’t going to take just anything for an answer.

“Will you just hear me out. I don’t..” He searched for how to phrase it, his brow furrowing. Marian waited by the door, turning back toward him in the silence. “.. I don’t want us to burn bridges. I’ve done enough of that. You’re still important to me.. Just not--”

“--Just not as important as Riwen.” He was cut off by her quick retort. The mage rolled her eyes into the next age and laughed. “Save it.”

“You _know_ that’s not what I was going to say, Hawke. You know that I love you. But I can’t just cut ties with Riwen because you showed up.” He genuinely looks torn up at the thought. Of course he does love her still, but hurting Riwen is out of the question. “I moved on.”

Moved on.

She felt a lump in her throat starting to make itself present, so she turned her back to him once more. That’s exactly what she didn’t want to hear. She moved on for the sake of safety, but her heart always came back to him. She hated how sappy it was, but to know that was all for nothing, hurt the most.

“I’m leaving.” It was nearly whispered to try and hide the fact she was about to cry, which to Cullen was quite obvious either way. He knew her too well.

As she went to step forward and grab the door handle she was pulled back and turned into a light embrace. Naturally, her immediate response was to break down and start crying, finally letting out the uncomfortable tightness she held in her chest while berating him. The bottle was thoughtlessly dropped, which shattered at their feet and Marian threw her arms around his shoulders.

“I’m sorry-” She choked, becoming an absolute blubbering mess. The rest was just an unspoken apology. For the next few moments the mage would look up to try and find the words to apologize for her behavior, but he just nodded and rubbed her back. It was one of the rare moments she let her guard down with him. It was also the first time in a long while since she was able to just cry and not feel weak for doing so.

“You didn’t have to put on the tough act. I could tell you were upset. Why couldn’t you just tell me?” Cullen let her cry, knowing she needed to just get it out of her system. She shook her head in a vague answer of uncertainty. The tears continued to stream down her face, soaking into the fur of his pauldrons. “This is why we had problems, Marian… You can’t just keep pretending you’re okay with everything and going at it with the attitude.”

She didn’t have a response, because she knew he was completely right. It was just how she made her way through life, through all the hardships while still steering the ship that was Marian Hawke. After all the tears and the ugly crying subsided, she wiped her very red face and sighed.

“Nobody hears anything about this, okay?” She tried to look menacing, but it was hard to in this state.

“Of course.” He gave her a weak smile, which Marian couldn’t bring herself to return. Not with things unsettled like this. It wasn’t fair. She missed their embraces when it was warm and not out of pity. There was a bit of tension building as she came to realize this. Cullen could feel it too and turned his attention to the crunching of the shattered glass at their feet. “I suppose I’ll have to clean this up.”

“No, let me,” Hawke moved to reach down for the larger pieces, which was halted and she was pulled back up to meet eyes with the Commander.

“Go get some rest. We can talk more once you’ve sobered up, okay?” He pressed a quick kiss to her forehead and moved to open the door for her. Marian of course, stood dumbfounded for a moment. It was a nice sentiment, but wow, she  _ really  _ missed that. She nodded before quickly leaving his office and tried to make her way across the ramparts without any drunken stumbles. Her face was still just as red upon arriving back to her room in the Skyhold garden as it was when she left his office.

Maker, what a disaster she’s in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter until I can work up the energy to write more!
> 
> Not quite the turn I was expecting to take it, but I hope you enjoy!  
> Please forgive any grammatical errors, as I don't have anyone beta read this!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Any kudos or comments really helps me gauge on what my audience is! Especially if you'd like to see more!  
> Have a great day!


End file.
